Monday, December 6, 2010

Oh Spam Folder, How Do I Love Thee

Today I cleaned out the Spam folder.  With Gmail, that's not such a big thing, but since I'm waiting on a phone call or two, I figured I'd poke around a bit.

There was the usual tripe. Newsletters I've never gotten around to canceling, great deals on flowers, much Viagra and other products to enhance the male physique. Some interesting attempts to Phish for my credit information.  But the real gems this go around were from a couple of lovely ladies.

First was Mrs. Lilian Jones. Hers was a tragic tale; esophageal cancer, living in Dubai, a very Christian woman whose only joy in these last few months of her life are to distribute her great fortune that she has collected for charities, but her bankers are not trustworthy, or so it seems. All she needs is a little assistance in getting the funds to collect the funds to be dispersed.  Luckily, she did have the name of her trusted attorney, an understanding soul by the name of Joe Benson, and apparently, he was more easily contacted than Mrs. Jones. She blessed me several times in this missive.

I very nearly wept. Dying of cancer, and she blesses me?  I needed a moment.

Next though, was a lass by the name of STORMY.  I was drawn to her note, because she asked that Let's make it Working.  With English skills so polished, how could I resist?  And upon opening the missive, there were attachments!  Apparently STORMY was an attractive girl, nubile and maybe 20.  She was apparently looking at my email address, and thought that we should strike up a conversation.  To commemorate our friendship, she sent two very steamy little attachments, that in all modesty, I didn't feel appropriate to open. A gentleman doesn't save trophies from egirls who send them unsolicited photos, it's rude and improper.  What if I were the sort of brute who would do things while looking at said pictures?  It was a sordid scene in my head, and while I could appreciate a random hottie with photos from what appeared to be two different girls in states of undress, asking me to download her pics, and then mail her begging for more, I feared that this naive girl would soon be taken advantage of.  I didn't want to lead her on, after all. I've been hurt before...

The women put me in a mood though, and with a slightly depressed mind and soul--one so ill and so concerned for the welfare of others, and the other so naive to reveal so much of herself online--I scrolled down further. There was a shining jewel of hope, in amongst all these attempts to Phish for information, or sell me blue pills.  One Miss Louise Boss sent me a message that I was a lottery winner, one from Amsterdam. I don't even remember entering and I was going to scroll down, when I saw a Big Red Banner through the mail! It was a warning!  That THIS mail might not be who it claimed it was from! How very shocking!  BUT, lucky for me, the folks who inserted this clever banner into Miss Louise Liar's mail, they were offering their services to clean my computer of malicious malware that just LOOKING at these sorts of emails could infect a computer with. All I had to do to cleanse my computer--and my soul--was to click the handy link on the banner, and their automated process would cleanse me, and send me back into the fray. Finally, someone who was just looking to do a good deed.

Truly, one can feast upon the milk of human kindness when one opens one's Spam Folder. It heartens me that there are some decent souls who seek only to do good in this world.  Now then, if I just right click--->open new tab, that should do it...

++++**NO CARRIER**++++ 


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